040309 in a relative short: why i'm not christian

night owl by definition. i was clocked out of work at 12:25AM, it's now 1:53 and i'd rather put some thought down in byte and pixel than sleep. all together.. probably the equivalent of 9 shots of coffee all day - my caffeine addiction is escalating quickly; it's no wonder that i'm still groggy at noon when i clock on at Baskin Robbins. i'll start deep and move superficial. the past few years i've been struggling with movement towards greatness and the achievement of uncompromised ideals.let's brush off the earth and examine the roots. this trend in my cognition probably most identifiably started during my confirmation into the catholic church -- the start of my cultural catholicism. at this point and far before i had stopped praying regularly, and by regularly i mean right before sleep - when the dark of night reminds us of evil and death and damnation-- when fear really motivates one to put in the time. confirmation is basically the pledge taken that identifies one as an adult in the eyes of the church, and a promise to bring up your family in the church. -- having researched a saint and performed community service hours, you must have identified ideals for yourself.. right? altruism and heavy meditation along with a daily communion are the keys to levitation and teleportation and bloody holes in your palms and ultimately salvation; and praying 5 rosaries daily and cleansing of your soul through the sacraments including confession; along with self privation and suffering and deep meditation in a forest are the most direct ways to salvation-- well of course. at one point it was wide belief that slaughtering a sheep was the best way to placate sin probably one of my earliest problems with the church, and christianity in general, was the failure of fellow church-goers as exemplified in the community to plainly live as christ did. i saw adults in the church just as lost or more lost than i was: was this my end? was i supposed to end up in a pew reciting the same prayers hoping that i'd do slightly better with my sins THIS week? confessing the same sins each year - hoping to god that my weekly devotion would be enough; that i could vest strongly enough in blind faith, that my fear of god would be great enough that i could stop sin all together in thought and action; literally stopping thought with droning prayer on my lips and be filled with the holy spirit as to escape the hellfires that must quite frankly be nearing full with all the sin i be watching on Music TV and the likes. i moved my thought to more liberal christianity- attended the new life a couple times and kinda digged it -- the people read, actually, the bible - probably with the reasoning that truth as spouted from a priest isn't quite the same as truth discovered from reading the only book you'll ever need; but still a truth just as hard to maintain and uphold. a truth where you're still wearing clothes made in a pacific island sweat shop without labor laws and you're still not giving up your worldly possessions - your house, your car, to live as christ. -- so ok, you don't take that literally living as christ in the material aspect - sure; but by not making the full commitment with near starvation and simplicity of cloth, sandal and word of god - you open up to the sins you strive to avoid; sloth, gluttony, (material)greed, lust, wrath, envy and pride. . . - seven right? cardinal and unavoidable; unless you DO spend most of your energy in quiet meditation and droning prayer - i don't see attainment of this ideal possible in the current society. In reality we pursue most strongly the goals as set up to us by the mass media: a big house, a fast car, nice clothes, fame, fortune, platinum records. we hero-worship our athletes for their statistics and superhuman agility - their ability to better throw a ball into a hoop, or run across a painted white line. then the argument of theistic supremacy and subsequent outcomes of this conclusion. My religion is correct - as stated in the bible: anyone who fails to observe will be subject to eternal damnation, fires, etc -- which means anyone of any other creed will have to stand before JC sometime before times end and be cast into the fiery pits. then the whole church structure that makes billions of dollars - and the whole papal nonsense.. let's not get into that. -- liberal christians would have to consider this, and in some way say 'well, my God is too loving to do such a thing as damn the disillusioned masses' - only their heaven won't be as nice. or 'God's judgement is incomprehensible' -while you in your decision must be taking a good stab at comprehending it as to apportion yourself to any religious standard so strongly -- or rather weakly if you can't properly adhere and recommend specifically your prescription for avoiding fire. (-- i have a sort of simultaneous respect and loathing for any person capable of pure, blind, undivided, unquestioned faith. the security your soul has on your brain is admirable.) well than i say to you -- what else could your god be capable of as not outlined in the bible? --- my inability to answer this personally is why i don't limit myself to one book. is how i came about with the hunger of adam's apple satiated by definitively agnostic ideas -- that through the work of man much knowledge is available; but if there is a god from which we are imagined(made in the image of...) than the complete knowledge of such a diety is unattainable - the great ideal is in the human spirit, the love for each person on earth as all is momental and each life too precious to abuse, to enslave, to waste-- with war, economic imperialism, or sloth; respectively. Philosophy is the transcension of thought. doctrine akin to religion in establishing ideals--without arrogance. i'll choose my purgatory over salvation if it buys my capacity for independant thought. - for now i'm not aethiest, but i can see how close i may be to this step -- to the complete worship of the spirit of man and the ability of man's mind. (worship- as in reverent honor) ____________________moving to the superficial.today i went to school! took a integumentary system mid-term with 15 minutes of studying and got a high B percentage. i took a muscle quiz after 10 minutes of solid studying and got another high B. from what i heard about the earlier week and what i've experienced in class -- i'm really not inspired to sit in class for more than i need. self educate like nietzsche say-uh. after school stopped by the bean, talked with patty for a bit as she made bunny-cup cakes. --coconutty and decorated to look like fur with shredded coconut. mmm went home, took my grandpa to bayani so he could send money to the PI. we filled up on gas at the chevron w/techron, on the way to get food my grandpa opens up the usual 'why don't you teach me to drive' except with english more broken than that. and 'when i win the lotto next month - i will buy you a car?' phrased in a question with english more broken than that. it's the same conversation and it still bothers me went to albertsons cause my lolo was craving chicken since maria got onto the table and ate the cloudy-side up eggs my mom left this morning. i looked at wrist braces to sleep in for increased circulation and healing.. on the way out from the self-checkout this girl's trying to get accounts for US bank because of a branch-war.. i discuss banks with her for a bit.. she's kinda intrigued as i swat away her selling points and hand her some provocative thought. then i ask her about buisness accounts for which i'm shopping around since massage therapy won't be completely under the table. by the time i'm ready to end our conversation someone else is pulling her away to open a checking and get the 75 dollars in grocery money. i eat lunch. there isn't much to say. i thank him when we're done and eventually nap with maria since i'm drained from sleep deprivation -- which is a crazy cycle cause it's fucking late right now and i'm going to sleep in a minute cause it's nearly 4:00 so went to global bean. singer - good. bought cd. emptied out after that - me and lindsee have deep conversation and she hears most of my spiel which i don't often verbalize. my mind keeps spinning. i get home. i go to walgreens to compare brace prices. i come home and clean up maria's pee in the carpet. i blog. SLEEP, EAT, REPEAT